(no subject)
Sep. 2nd, 2012 02:25 pmI never had to be told that I would die, because I've felt it for as long as I can remember.
I didn't talk about it because I thought I was being dramatic, because the subject's depressing. There were perfectly good reasons that I would know my mortality from a young age; my dad never hid my 'illness' from me, and by the time I was school-age he'd given up on hiding his files from me and settled for choosing what I would see.
Perfectly rational explanations as to why I could feel myself aging, ticking toward the end of my life like a stopwatch I couldn't quite ignore because I felt it in my bones. I didn't know what it felt like to wake up on your birthday without feeling any older. If I said I did, I lied and I'm sorry.
The ticking wasn't always steady, and when I started keeping track of when it changed that gave me more reason to think it was a figment of my own imagination. When I lived in California with my fiancee, trying to be a good man and a provider for the family we planned to have after we shackled, it was like a hummingbird's heart. The night I met my childhood crush, I couldn't hear it until he promised I would live. It was faint after that, but there.
That feeling begun to slow sometime after I met my brother, although I couldn't say when exactly. Its continued to in the year since, until I was hear/feeling it once every three days, then once a week, fainter.
I'm feeling fairly crazy for putting any serious thought to this, but.. I haven't felt it since we came back from Mephisto's world.
I didn't talk about it because I thought I was being dramatic, because the subject's depressing. There were perfectly good reasons that I would know my mortality from a young age; my dad never hid my 'illness' from me, and by the time I was school-age he'd given up on hiding his files from me and settled for choosing what I would see.
Perfectly rational explanations as to why I could feel myself aging, ticking toward the end of my life like a stopwatch I couldn't quite ignore because I felt it in my bones. I didn't know what it felt like to wake up on your birthday without feeling any older. If I said I did, I lied and I'm sorry.
The ticking wasn't always steady, and when I started keeping track of when it changed that gave me more reason to think it was a figment of my own imagination. When I lived in California with my fiancee, trying to be a good man and a provider for the family we planned to have after we shackled, it was like a hummingbird's heart. The night I met my childhood crush, I couldn't hear it until he promised I would live. It was faint after that, but there.
That feeling begun to slow sometime after I met my brother, although I couldn't say when exactly. Its continued to in the year since, until I was hear/feeling it once every three days, then once a week, fainter.
I'm feeling fairly crazy for putting any serious thought to this, but.. I haven't felt it since we came back from Mephisto's world.
